06.16.07
Posted in , Humor at 2:14 pm by Administrator
Wal-Mart’s next target is Africa
Dis-Associated Press
12:00 p.m. CT June 11th, 2007
BENTONVILLE, AK
Wal-Mart spokesman Richard Byrd announced that the retail giant is planning on opening production factories in several locations in Africa.
Currently, over 90 % of Wal-Mart’s merchandise is produced in China. With the rise of the Yuan, and growing living standards in general, Wal-Mart is being forced to find new production for their cheap artifacts.
“Wages in China have risen, forcing us to lower production, and therefore, offer less of our quality merchandise to the American public”, said Byrd.
While on average, American factory workers earn $12 an hour, Mexican workers rake in $4 a day, while Chinese workers make $1 a day. The Chinese government has been forced to start capturing and executing labor leaders for scaring away foreign companies.
According to Byrd, Wal-Mart has opened 2 production sites in the African continent; one in Kenya, the other in the Congo. Wages for workers start at 23 cents a day.
Byrd expressed hope that these salaries could be further reduced, thus allowing the opening of more production sites in 4 other African nations.
“23 cents is a too generous wage, which has caused unrest among our investors. But with the cooperation of the African military regimes, hopefully, we can solve this problem”.
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Posted in , Humor at 2:11 pm by Administrator
Paris Hilton took Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu lessons for prison protection
Dis-Associated Press
7:00 p.m. PT June 10th, 2007
LOS ANGELES, CA
Heiress and celebutante Paris Hilton, took intensive Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu lessons for personal protection purposes, while she is incarcerated. A source close to the family has indicated that Paris was terrified of the large butch lesbian prisoners she would encounter at the Century Regional Detention Facility in Linwood, California. Hilton allegedly hired Royce Gracie, former UFC champion, to show her the basics of Brazilain Jiu-Jitsu.
Gracie has confirmed this: “Paris was a very good student. Since she is skinny and scrawny, and wouldn’t hold her own wrestling, I showed her techniques on how to grab an opponents limbs and break them if necessary or force a tap out”.
Gracie did not confirm any rumors of an affair between him and the heiress.
After being freed by Los Angeles Sheriff Lee Baca, Judge Michael Sauer, in a decision acclaimed by the public, sent Hilton to the Twin Towers Correctional Facility, to serve the remainder of her 45 day sentence. According to insiders, Judge Sauer received an offer from the Hilton family of a $ 1’000.000 campaign donation, if he let Paris go free. The Honorable Judge Sauer said “3 mil or nothing”, to this request.
In an additional note, Paris Hilton was given a chastity belt, to wear for her protection during jail showers, according to an insider. The chastity belt, designed in Germany, weighs 10 pounds and is made of steel and titanium. Said the insider, “Even though Paris lost her chastity decades ago, the belt will avoid forceful entry”.
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Posted in , Humor at 2:07 pm by Administrator
Abnormal Psychiatrist
The “AP” answers all your concerns about love, money, health, sex, etcetera.
Dear AP,
I have a Chihuahua called Bambi, which is the love of my life. Problem is she barks too much. Whenever, I’m having sex with my boyfriend, she starts a sharp howl as if she were in agony. When I’m not home, she barks like crazy, and is a nuisance to neighbors.
When I’m there she runs around like crazy non-stop, like’s she on ecstasy. What do I do????
Dog-gone,
Dear Dog-gone,
We advise you to administer ADHD to your Chihuahua. Animals are like kids and need a lot of love and patience. If the ADHD fails, try Prozac. If you’re interested I know a dog hypnotist, much cheaper than that guy on cable. Regarding her howls when you’re having sex, it’s probably Bambi’s way of attracting attention. You howl louder, show her who’s in charge.
AP
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06.09.07
Posted in Humor at 8:37 pm by Administrator
Madame Tussaud’s wax museum announces Anna Nicole Smith statue
Dis-Associated Press
3:00 p.m. MT June 7th, 2007
LAS VEGAS, NV
Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum announced earlier today that they plan to unveil a statue of the late American heiress and former model Anna Nicole Smith. According to the museum’s spokesperson Audrey Turner, artists are currently working on a wax statue of Smith, that will possibly be completed by July, 2007. “For us it is an honor to compose a wax statue of a celebrity of the magnitude of Anna Nicole, who has influenced so many women around the World”.
Madame Tussaud’s staff decided to go with a thin Anna Nicole, as she looked after her TrimSpa diet. They mentioned that it was better to remember Anna Nicole in a dignified manner, without the weight.
Former Playboy playmate Smith, died suddenly on February 8th, 2007, from an accidental overdose of chloral hydrate, methadone, ecstasy, viagra, steroids and a few other pills. Her infant daughter, Danielynn Smith, was born on September 7th, 2006 in Nassau, Bahamas. DNA tests have shown that the father is photojournalist Larry Birkhead.
Among the many possible fathers for Danielynn were Howard K. Stern, J.Howard Marshall’s frozen sperm tadpoles, Colin Farrell (again!), Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bobo the clown, Gary Coleman and the Churches chicken-man from downtown Nassau.
Any news relating to the former model and legal disputes over her estate, have taken attention away from non-important, trivial news like deaths in Iraq, China take-over scares, non-existent global warming and silly news about a levee in New Orleans.
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Posted in Humor at 8:36 pm by Administrator
Giant Ancient Human fossil found in India
Dis-Associated News
12:00 p.m. June 8th, 2007
MUMBAI, INDIA
A giant fossil of a presumed prehistoric human was discovered in Ganja National Park, located in Western Ghats mountain range in western India. The Human fossil measures 50 feet in height, and is surprisingly perfectly preserved. Scientists estimate that the fossil’s weighs between 8 and 10 tons. According to Dr. Sanjay Gupta, a paleontologist with the Mumbai Indian Institute of Technology, it will take 2 weeks to disassemble the bones and at least another week before they can be transferred to ITT for further study. “Hopefully, we will be able to put the bones back together and install them in Delhi’s Museum of Natural History.”
Analyses of bone tissue have shown that the fossil is around 4 or 5 million years old. Scientists have debated whether this new fossil is related to Cro-Magnon man, or if he could belong to a separate species. Religious leaders have called the finding, “ a living proof of the existence of the large Philistines from the Old Testament”.
Further analyses have shown that the giant fossil shares similar DNA tissue with George W. Bush, Sasquatch, O.J. Simpson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Cheetah the chimp and Rush Limbaugh.
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