03.29.09
I found my third grade crush on MySpace! She’s a cop.
The other day I had nothing better to do than to be on Facebook and MySpace for hours. No wait, I did have plenty of homework. Regardless, I found time to log on and check what my friends are doing. Facebook has updates of what a person does (uploading photos, changing status, etc); in other words, there is no privacy. On MySpace, I browsed for people I knew from North Miami Elementary school, almost 20 years ago. A few names don’t come out at all. I put in a John Smith and 200 matches appear. I don’t remember several friends’ last names. I remember their house, backyard, dad’s car, annoying snotty little brothers, but not their last name. So no chance in finding Rainier or Ronald.
I tried to find Kelly and get like 10 matches with her same last name, but not in Florida. I find Stephen whose family moved away in 4th grade to someplace in Broward County (Broward was paradise, for some reason). They moved to Weston, he went to Weston High and later Florida State. He was probably a frat-boy type; his profile music is the FSU marching band song. What a freaking nerd! I hope he’s not one of those dumb-asses that worships the quarterback like so many others at these football powerhouse schools. I discard the idea of sending him a message as I doubt he’ll remember me.
I find Stephanie, my 3rd grade crush, who also moved away. She was so cute in 3rd grade. Now she’s a grown woman, but not really grown. She’s rather short and chubby. And she’s a cop! With her own cruiser. Her profile doesn’t give any info on love life. She might be a dyke for all I know. It says she works for the Miami-Dade County Police. So, if she stops me, maybe I can talk her out of giving me a ticket. Here goes the scenario:
Stephanie (in fake redneck accent in order to create intimidation): May I have your license and registration, sir?
Me: Here officer, oh by the way. Did you ever go to North Miami Elementary?
Stephanie: Why yes.
Me: You were in Mrs. Cox’s class, right?
Stephanie: Yes, Mrs. Cox. She looked like a dodo bird without feathers.
Me: it’s me M_______. Remember me?
Stephanie: M_______! Well you used to climb on my back and harrass me…sexually. (Changes tone from friendly to angry)
Me: Well, but you used to enjoy it because you never ratted me out to Mrs. Cox. And Daniel, the fat kid told me that you liked me, but you had already moved away.
Stephanie: Well yeah, but…
Me: So..are you single? Wanna go out on a date?
Ok, I don’t know if I might invite her out or if she might be friendly. What if she turns out to be butt ugly? Now if she turns out pretty and we date, what if she becomes jealous-obsessive-compulsive? She does have a gun, you know. What if I wanna break up and she messes with my record. Switches mine with a convict escaped from San Quentin. Can regular cops even do that?
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