03.29.08
Posted in , Love & Relationships at 5:01 pm by Administrator
Javier and I have been good buddies since 1999. We met at this lousy factory where they made gold colored plastered mirrors (some shit like that) and sold them for high prices, but our salary was like $5.25. Anyway, we used to hang out 24/7. And while I had incredible difficulties with women, Javier was a total ladies man. Well, up to a point. Initially, he was succesful at picking up over-weight girls. Later he started scoring thinner hotties. But he didn’t use the stereotypical latin lover approach, popularized so much by the media. He used the I’m a scruffy looking wanna be intellectual but I can dance approach to great success. Then one day, he met this older woman in her 30s, some para-legal with a small daughter who smoked a lot of weed. She like totally dominated him, I don’t know how. Well, he finally dumped her.
In 2005, he moved up to Tallahassee to go to Florida State University and just recently he moved back. But he’s not staying at his family’s place, he’s living with his girlfriend’s family, and they seem to be a nice tight-knit Cuban family (how they allowed him in there, I have no idea). Well, that means no more fun for Javier. No more bar hopping, clubbing, flirting with strange woman in dark dingy corners, talking bullshit at Churchill’s while checking out the hotties. No more walking around South Beach, completely wasted. Now it’s like, they keep him on a leash. And the worst is that now I’m mildly succesful with with women, which means that together, we could wreak havoc on the city. I’ll have to recruit new followers. Form some secret society.
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03.22.08
Posted in , Politics at 7:58 am by Administrator
Well March 19th rolled around, and all the anti-war groups marched and protested and commemorated another grim anniversary of Bush’s ill-fated expedition to liberate Iraq….. Wait, I mean to civilize Iraq….No fuck, it was to search for weapons of mass destruction…some shit like that…To hunt Osama Bin Laden….No, shit, wait, he’s in Afghanistan…Does the Bush administration even remember him? Does the media? hummmm.
Well, I was never opposed to the invasion of Afghanistan, since the Taliban were in power and they were hiding Bin Laden. Actually, I had wanted somebody to do something when the Taliban destroyed these beautiful Buddhist statues, supposedly beacuse they offended Islam. Then, we invaded, but Bush ordered the troops to stop looking for Bin Laden. It was better to let the tribesmen who admire bin Laden, to go hunt for him. Then, all the attention was placed on Iraq and Saddam. And we invaded them. While the nation was divided, the World turned against us. I was pissed because Bin Laden was forgotten and all of a sudden all our resources were being put into this odd endeavor. Yeah, Saddam was a tyrant, but we’ve been friends with several tyrants, like Francisco Franco, Stalin during WW II, Augusto Pinochet, and the current Chinese regime. And atleast his government was secular, unlike Iran where everyone follows the orders of the Ayatollahs. After discovering zero WMDs, capturing and executing Saddam, wasn’t it time to leave? Didn’t we already win? But then, it’s Iraqi freedom. We must help them pacify the country and Fallujah and the Sunni Triangle. Then, Muqtada Al-Sadr (whose father was killed by Saddam) ordeers his militia to attack our troops. Great way of saying thank you, mother fucker. Then Al-Qaeda re-appears. Then the Kurds start fighting the Turks. Three months turn into 5 years. Why don’t we send Tommy Franks to trial, he planned this military operation fiasco.
And finally, even though we took the Iraqi oil.. Oil prices are skyrocketing… I mean.. what the fuck!! We have no more strong allies in the World (we’re even losing Poland). Our next president has to be a combination of Lincoln, Roosevelt and Washington in order to fix the quagmire left by Bush. Ironically, during the 90s, people thought the new millenium was going to go through smooth. Wishful thinking.
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03.19.08
Posted in , Politics at 4:36 am by Administrator
Well, Eliot Spitzer, former New York governor, fucked up royally. First, it’s bad to cheat on your wife (and his wife isn’t bad looking either). Second, if you hire a prostitute’s services, try to pay in cash, not with a credit card which has your name on it. Don’t leave a paper trail. Third, make sure you don’t have any enemies. Spitzer had several, and in Wall Street of all places. Which means his enemies had major money. But man, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, the call girl identified as “Kristen”, is SUPER HOT. Didn’t anyone see those pictures of her sitting on that boat wearing a white bikini? Some asswipes on msn were commenting that she looked like a retarded girl (?). Those dumb-asses wish they could bang a chick like that. Well, now we know that they cost $4000 in New York courtesy of The Emperors Club. In Miami, those high class hookers are probably half the price. Then again, Spitzer had her for the weekend., and he was a regular client, which means he got a wholesale discount. Would’ve been a great deal if he hadn’t lost the governorship. Atleast he can say he banged a 10 woman. To get one of those hotties for free, you have to be a high profile guy. Either a millionaire, businessman, lawyer, actor, athlete, intellectual or celebrity of some sort. John F. Kennedy, Arthur Miller and Joe DiMaggio all had one thing in common: they all had Marilyn Monroe as a lover or spouse. A President, a dramatist and a baseball player. Marilyn only went for high profile men. You know what, let me go finish writing my first novel….
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03.16.08
Posted in , Politics at 1:08 am by Administrator
Well, Eliot Spitzer, Governor of New York paid close to $4000 to spend time with a hooker and now he had to resign before the Republicans hanged him. While I’m not condoning, his behavior, first cheating and then, he’s a governor. The question is: should we even care? It’s not like he’s the first politician to be caught with hookers. Besides, most politicians bang a lot of women who ain’t their wives and screw over the public on a daily basis. At least the hookers get paid. What does the public get?….Shit.
Good old John Kennedy banged Marilyn Monroe, then tossed her to Bobby. Bush the Elder banged his secretary for several years. Warren Harding fathered a child illegimately with a woman who wasn’t his wife. Bill Clinton gave new meaning to love stains (I still maintain he could’ve done better than Monica). And religious guys don’t do better. That Ted Haggard reverend who advises Bush II was taking it up the ass from a male escort. Jimmy Swaggart and Tammy Faye’s husband also cheated.
But what outrages me is that Spitzer was forced to resign over this issue, and nobody has introduced articles of impeachment against Bush despite the Iraq war and several high profile scandals.
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03.11.08
Posted in , Politics at 5:08 am by Administrator
So there I was at the FIU ballroom. I had infiltrated myself into this Rudy Giuliani rally in late January, right before the Florida primary. If you haven’t been hiding in a cave, you’ll know Giuliani ended in 3rd and had to quit. What was it? $18.000.000 invested in campaigning and only like 2 electoral votes. What a jackass, just donate it to the poor. I could use 10 grand to pay school loans.
Well, anyway, I’m there and all the people are cheering like bananas. Good ol’ Rudy is promising to fight to the end, (like I give a rhino’s ass if he does, I’m going for Hillary). The student president is a republican and that’s the reason they bought him there. The place is packed with Cubans, 1st and 2nd generation. Then all of the sudden, Rudy (such a gay name) says that if he is elected, everyone will spend the Christmas in….drum roll…..CUBA !!
But wait a minute, what about the devilish bearded dictator and his entourage. Are you saying..you’re going to invade Cuba?? Because even if Castro croaks, I don’t see commies leaving voluntarily. And the worst thing is, that the people instead of saying: “Stop bullshitting, you’re not going to invade shit!”, instead, they all cheer and clap.
While I don’t favor reatrdicans nor commies (to me, they’re all the same), I must admit the rhetoric makes me laugh.
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06.16.07
Posted in , Humor at 2:14 pm by Administrator
Wal-Mart’s next target is Africa
Dis-Associated Press
12:00 p.m. CT June 11th, 2007
BENTONVILLE, AK
Wal-Mart spokesman Richard Byrd announced that the retail giant is planning on opening production factories in several locations in Africa.
Currently, over 90 % of Wal-Mart’s merchandise is produced in China. With the rise of the Yuan, and growing living standards in general, Wal-Mart is being forced to find new production for their cheap artifacts.
“Wages in China have risen, forcing us to lower production, and therefore, offer less of our quality merchandise to the American public”, said Byrd.
While on average, American factory workers earn $12 an hour, Mexican workers rake in $4 a day, while Chinese workers make $1 a day. The Chinese government has been forced to start capturing and executing labor leaders for scaring away foreign companies.
According to Byrd, Wal-Mart has opened 2 production sites in the African continent; one in Kenya, the other in the Congo. Wages for workers start at 23 cents a day.
Byrd expressed hope that these salaries could be further reduced, thus allowing the opening of more production sites in 4 other African nations.
“23 cents is a too generous wage, which has caused unrest among our investors. But with the cooperation of the African military regimes, hopefully, we can solve this problem”.
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Posted in , Humor at 2:11 pm by Administrator
Paris Hilton took Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu lessons for prison protection
Dis-Associated Press
7:00 p.m. PT June 10th, 2007
LOS ANGELES, CA
Heiress and celebutante Paris Hilton, took intensive Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu lessons for personal protection purposes, while she is incarcerated. A source close to the family has indicated that Paris was terrified of the large butch lesbian prisoners she would encounter at the Century Regional Detention Facility in Linwood, California. Hilton allegedly hired Royce Gracie, former UFC champion, to show her the basics of Brazilain Jiu-Jitsu.
Gracie has confirmed this: “Paris was a very good student. Since she is skinny and scrawny, and wouldn’t hold her own wrestling, I showed her techniques on how to grab an opponents limbs and break them if necessary or force a tap out”.
Gracie did not confirm any rumors of an affair between him and the heiress.
After being freed by Los Angeles Sheriff Lee Baca, Judge Michael Sauer, in a decision acclaimed by the public, sent Hilton to the Twin Towers Correctional Facility, to serve the remainder of her 45 day sentence. According to insiders, Judge Sauer received an offer from the Hilton family of a $ 1’000.000 campaign donation, if he let Paris go free. The Honorable Judge Sauer said “3 mil or nothing”, to this request.
In an additional note, Paris Hilton was given a chastity belt, to wear for her protection during jail showers, according to an insider. The chastity belt, designed in Germany, weighs 10 pounds and is made of steel and titanium. Said the insider, “Even though Paris lost her chastity decades ago, the belt will avoid forceful entry”.
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Posted in , Humor at 2:07 pm by Administrator
Abnormal Psychiatrist
The “AP” answers all your concerns about love, money, health, sex, etcetera.
Dear AP,
I have a Chihuahua called Bambi, which is the love of my life. Problem is she barks too much. Whenever, I’m having sex with my boyfriend, she starts a sharp howl as if she were in agony. When I’m not home, she barks like crazy, and is a nuisance to neighbors.
When I’m there she runs around like crazy non-stop, like’s she on ecstasy. What do I do????
Dog-gone,
Dear Dog-gone,
We advise you to administer ADHD to your Chihuahua. Animals are like kids and need a lot of love and patience. If the ADHD fails, try Prozac. If you’re interested I know a dog hypnotist, much cheaper than that guy on cable. Regarding her howls when you’re having sex, it’s probably Bambi’s way of attracting attention. You howl louder, show her who’s in charge.
AP
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06.09.07
Posted in Humor at 8:37 pm by Administrator
Madame Tussaud’s wax museum announces Anna Nicole Smith statue
Dis-Associated Press
3:00 p.m. MT June 7th, 2007
LAS VEGAS, NV
Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum announced earlier today that they plan to unveil a statue of the late American heiress and former model Anna Nicole Smith. According to the museum’s spokesperson Audrey Turner, artists are currently working on a wax statue of Smith, that will possibly be completed by July, 2007. “For us it is an honor to compose a wax statue of a celebrity of the magnitude of Anna Nicole, who has influenced so many women around the World”.
Madame Tussaud’s staff decided to go with a thin Anna Nicole, as she looked after her TrimSpa diet. They mentioned that it was better to remember Anna Nicole in a dignified manner, without the weight.
Former Playboy playmate Smith, died suddenly on February 8th, 2007, from an accidental overdose of chloral hydrate, methadone, ecstasy, viagra, steroids and a few other pills. Her infant daughter, Danielynn Smith, was born on September 7th, 2006 in Nassau, Bahamas. DNA tests have shown that the father is photojournalist Larry Birkhead.
Among the many possible fathers for Danielynn were Howard K. Stern, J.Howard Marshall’s frozen sperm tadpoles, Colin Farrell (again!), Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bobo the clown, Gary Coleman and the Churches chicken-man from downtown Nassau.
Any news relating to the former model and legal disputes over her estate, have taken attention away from non-important, trivial news like deaths in Iraq, China take-over scares, non-existent global warming and silly news about a levee in New Orleans.
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Posted in Humor at 8:36 pm by Administrator
Giant Ancient Human fossil found in India
Dis-Associated News
12:00 p.m. June 8th, 2007
MUMBAI, INDIA
A giant fossil of a presumed prehistoric human was discovered in Ganja National Park, located in Western Ghats mountain range in western India. The Human fossil measures 50 feet in height, and is surprisingly perfectly preserved. Scientists estimate that the fossil’s weighs between 8 and 10 tons. According to Dr. Sanjay Gupta, a paleontologist with the Mumbai Indian Institute of Technology, it will take 2 weeks to disassemble the bones and at least another week before they can be transferred to ITT for further study. “Hopefully, we will be able to put the bones back together and install them in Delhi’s Museum of Natural History.”
Analyses of bone tissue have shown that the fossil is around 4 or 5 million years old. Scientists have debated whether this new fossil is related to Cro-Magnon man, or if he could belong to a separate species. Religious leaders have called the finding, “ a living proof of the existence of the large Philistines from the Old Testament”.
Further analyses have shown that the giant fossil shares similar DNA tissue with George W. Bush, Sasquatch, O.J. Simpson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Cheetah the chimp and Rush Limbaugh.
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03.17.07
Posted in Disclaimer at 11:20 pm by Administrator
This is my personal blog, where I comment on my life and on current news events. I’m 27, male, live in Miami, Fl. I’m finally graduating from Florida International University with a degree that’s mostly useless. I’ve worked in a large number of menial jobs, such as factory slave, pan fryer, construction worker by the pound, gypsy catcher, phone-sex person, office clerk and quasi-scientific researcher. Leave your comments and enjoy.
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Posted in Disclaimer at 11:17 pm by Administrator
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